Modelling struggle: How parents are already helping their teens without even realising

One study looking at what affects test scores revealed students who showed the greatest improvement had parents who had experienced struggle. So what can we learn from this?

Hi there,

Today I am taking a bit of a different turn — away from discussing a practical study skill and looking at how you’re probably already doing something really important for your teen without even realising.

I hope that this post will resonate with parents who perhaps feel they are less able to help their teen because academia is not their strong suit.

Harnessing your parenting power

Last week I listened to Adam Robinson interviewed on the Knowledge Project podcast. This episode piqued my interest because Adam co-founded The Princeton Review and co-authored the New York Times best-selling Cracking the SAT test prep book. I was not disappointed.

Adam explains that in one study he conducted looking at what affects test scores, the students who showed the greatest improvement had parents who had experienced struggle.

I won't go into the details here, you can check out Adam's interview for yourself here; the discussion about education starts around 1hr 30m.

But here’s the crux of what I found really interesting.

So many parents are frustrated by their teen's lack of motivation, their apathy towards school, and that their grades don't represent their true potential. Because what can you do?! No matter how hard you try, ultimately you can't force your teen to study and you can't do their study for them.

But if you take Adam’s findings, perhaps you can do something that only a parent can do — model struggle.

Studying, like life, involves struggle

When JFK said, “We do these things not because they are easy, but because they are hard”, he may have been talking about sending man to the moon but the underlying ethos applies to studying just as much.

Through Cram Lab, I very much want to help teenager’s realise that the process of studying can be simple and that anyone can learn how to study. But that’s very different to saying flippantly that ‘oh studying is easy’.

Studying at its best is satisfying and rewarding. Taking on knowledge and coming to understand a complicated concept that previously deceived you but is now entirely clear is the stuff that natural highs are made of.

But at its worst studying requires you to sit down at your desk for extended periods of time, day after day, forcing yourself to learn something you may have absolutely no interest in.

Studying for exams is realistically a mixture of the good and bad.

Studying can be a struggle. But that's okay. The key for your teen is to accept that studying IS often hard, particularly when preparing for exams. It requires strength of will, character and discipline. But it's because it requires these attributes that it is something worth doing and trying your best at.

How you can help

Well I bet you already are without realising it. You’re working, you’ve had setbacks, disappointments, things not turn out as you had originally hoped, dealt with difficult people at work, but you overcome these obstacles and carry on.

You can show your teen that struggle is a normal part of life, and it's certainly a normal part of studying. No one gets good grades without struggle along the way. Results come from hard work, determination, and perseverance.

A lot of teens ask me what they can do to improve their grades, and while I can dish out advice about motivation until we’re both blue in the face, I — just like you — cannot get your teen good grades for them. Their academic success will ultimately depend on how much work they're willing to put in.

Neither you nor me can force your teen to sit down at their desk and study, but as their parent, you can be a model for the hard-working and determined behaviour they need to observe in order to understand that putting in the effort with their study now will pay off big time down the track.

Thanks for bearing with me on a bit of a philosophical turn this week! But sometimes we need to look up at the sky and think for a moment, away from the minutae of study techniques and take stock.

If your teen has hit a motivational wall and you feel like you’ve become a big nag, perhaps a chat with your teen about how studying isn’t always easy but it’s because it can be hard that it has massive benefits down the track could help bring them focus.

I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on this and how any conversations with your teen are going in the comments.

Best of luck and look forward to hearing from you.

Clare